Times have been fucking TOUGH. Financially. Being 1 of the 99% HURTS. Haven’t been able to find a steady side gig or any type of full time paying gig for 3 months. I’m about to sell my car to pay the rent. My mind runs in jagged circles every millisecond of the month trying to find a way out of this cycle of poverty. I apply to jobs, any kind of job, with four different resumes/cover letters to no avail. I tell myself, “Do anything, just don’t go back to the old job. Just, no matter what, don’t return to that undervaluing mecca of degradation and pain.” Embarrassment trails down the front of my face every day. I’m not working and can’t seem to land work that doesn’t rape my self-esteem and I have no way of paying my bills.
What can I do? What can I do in this global economy gone awry?! Where the powerful exploit their influential positions so that the rest of us, like ants, must hurry to build their empires under the scorching heat of an inescapable magnifying glass.
I have decided to do 2 things: 1) Go to Debtors Anonymous in the hopes that they tap me into a secret I wasn’t raised with, into some philosophy I need to know to break out of the chain gang of deprivation I currently find myself in. Although sadly, I really deep down feel that all they’ll offer me is a pile of ethereal bullcrap. 2) Focus on making my 1st feature film Dear Dios. Making films, by this point, is the only act on earth that brings me pure unadulterated joy.
No matter how broke I become. Whether I live out of my car or sell my car & live in a shelter, I will work to make my films. I care about nothing else.
Therefore, in the midst of this employment dry spell and monetary desperation I’ve decided to proceed with revising my script Dear Dios into what I believe may be its final version, and pitch it to producers I feel may be right for the project. Yup, I’ve decided to face my fear of asking for help aka delegating tasks to other people who are just as, if not more, passionate and qualified enough in their expertise to undertake those areas. I’m quite excited.
Luck. What is luck? Does it exist, Are we born with it, Do we make it? I don’t know.
All I know is that Dear Dios is getting made whether I’m making it in life or not. I’ve already started putting out a call for producers and receiving positive responses. We’ll see how it unfolds. Reading Robert Rodriguez’ Rebel without a Crew was a huge inspiration and so is the current book I’m reading My First Movie: 20 Celebrated Directors talk about their first film. It makes the whole process a lot less lonely and a lot more hopeful / open-ended. Everyone made their first film on the whim of their unique fate — by putting themselves out there over and over again and along the way, letting the rest of the puzzle fall into place.
Let us toast — to true risk! Merry Hannukah, Happy Christmas & may Kwanza bust your gut open with joyful laughter. Peace & goodwill to all you homies & haynaz out there!
