Spitting in Fear’s Face is quite the difficult task.  On a daily, nightly, hourly basis, I wonder why it feels so difficult to execute certain actions over other ones.

Take, for instance, my film directing.  Writing has come second nature to me since I was a wee tyke.  I’ve written like I’ve breathed — because I had to.  The reality I’ve posed sounds dramatic, but I’m Cuban so yeah, all of my realities are dramatic ;p  Writing has always been the way I connected with myself, the way I’ve reflected and thought aloud, the way I came to resolutions, the way I touched the calming thread that holds together this seemingly incalculable and chaotic existence.  I didn’t grow up thinking, “I’m going to be a writer” because, quite frankly, I always was one.  I have about 50 journals by this point.  Yes, writing was literally like breathing.

What I did grow up hoping for, dreaming about, enamored by was Film Directing.  I imagined myself visually bringing to life my written stories.  Film Directing was my great childhood dream and has continued its reign over heart and psyche ever since.  Yet, unlike writing, film directing has brought with it many great fears.

The “Production” stage of making a film encompasses all of my fears: “What if I don’t use the best camera in the best way and light her face perfectly?  What if the film gets exposed or ruined on its way to the lab?  What if the set isn’t built when I arrive to shoot?  What if my shots are shaky?”  What if? What if! What if?! … for moments and years.

My creative purpose is quite simple: I write so that I can direct and I direct so that I can edit.  My great fears don’t lie in the writing or editing, however, but in the directing.  I believe it’s because in the writing and editing processes I can control the elements.  In writing, my imagination can design anything it dreams about and bring it alive through description.  In editing, I know I can play around with footage that’s already been shot and made available to me.  I can make the most of whatever I’m given through cuts, pacing and sound design.  But Film Directing … depends upon (gulp) many elements — God, Other People, The World, and Me.  From concept to manifestation, film directing depends upon the right mixture of it all.  Our  serendipitous expertise, timing, and overall cohesion…

Additionally, I’ve never been a techie – a tech savvy person.  I learn about film equipment because I’m a film artist and I need to understand the tools at my disposal so that I can bring my films to fruition.  I don’t like to adapt my equipment on the spot to the ever-changing dynamics of production.  In other words, the production process triggers all of my control issues! ;p  That being said, when I feel I’ve got all the elements under control, I LOVE film directing.  I’ve yet to master this rare sense of safety aka blind faith that everything is going to turn out as it should.

Consequently, I haven’t directed a film since 2008.  I’ve written and produced and edited, yes.  I’ve done a lot of those 3 things, but I haven’t directed a film — documentary or fiction.  I keep saying that when I get funding for my feature Dear Dios, I’ll direct, and yes that is true, but I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t acknowledge that I wasn’t directing RIGHT NOW because I’m afraid of failing.  Of failing my vision and proving myself incapable of translating my pages to the (longing sigh) screen.

My perfectionism has convinced me that if I can’t direct a film perfectly then I must wait until I can — until I have the perfect amount of funding to make sure I buy the perfect equipment and pay the perfect lighting designer and perfect cinematographer to do their jobs perfectly so that I can do mine P-E-R-F-E-C-T-L-Y.  When the truth is that production, and interchangeably film directing, are exciting and fulfilling processes because their synchronicity comes about in vibrant ways that only unpredictable circumstances can produce.

I’ve forgotten to do 3 pivotal things with my film directing that I do all the time with my writing:

1) Have Fun!  You’re not a writer or a film director.  You’re a human being who loves to write and direct.  That’s all.

2) Fuck Perfect.  Who cares.  You’re not doing this to prove anything to anyone.  Just do it! Do it a lot all of the time because it’s FUN!

3) Every creative piece is perfect AND imperfect in its own way.  These are the realities which assure they each find their unique place in the world.  Your style will change with time.  Let it unravel and develop.

In the spirit of spitting at fear’s face, I’ve taken on 2 new directing projects.  The 1st one is a music video I’ll be doing for my creative collaborator / dear friend Brit Lauren Manor and her amazing song “A Tragic Disappearance“.

The 2nd project is a web series of 30 – 60 second artist profiles featuring creative friends that I admire, love and respect. I’ll be shooting both undertakings on hi-def cell phone cameras.  I’m teaching myself to play with the available elements and learn to enjoy the tools at my disposal in order to disengage the great fear that I don’t have what I need.

I’ll post both projects on Bloggimia within the next month so stay tuned!